Saturday, December 31, 2011


It's 10.39pm, December 31. I am in my bed, on my laptop and about to go to sleep. I have work at 5am.
Music wafts in from outside. People shout.
But I have work soon.
I watched the Godfather Trilogy. I ate a salad of baby spinach and avocado. I am home alone.
It is a fitting end to the year. 
It was a year of death. There were bitter disappointments. There were battles.
I learned how dangerous bitter people are, insecure in their positions, desperate for validation and for power. They are dangerous to self-esteem, dangerous to the soul.
I learned how quickly death comes. How it lingers as a sickness that infects those left behind and hibernates inside.
I learned what it is to truly be alone.
This was the toughest year of my life. But I am good at rebuilding, at picking myself up.
And I will. Again and again and again. For as long as it takes.
I promise myself this.
There were steps back this year and that frustrates me. I'm used to fighting my way forward, no matter what. I will again.
In seeing so much bad I have discovered what is good. I have discovered who is good, and how I can be good to them. I do not want to be one of the negative, insecure, bitter ones. This year taught me how not to become that. I saw too many of those people. They damn-near broke me.
Never again.
I will heal. Through kindness, through finding my voice. Through speaking up and out. Through words.
If there is one thing I realised it is that I will never put up and shut up. Especially not now. When you speak up, people get angry. They will bully, they will lie. They will shower you with bitterness. They will take.
Let them.
All of this will be positive. All of this will serve me well.
In being shattered I have learned how to be stronger, how to move forward and how to truly fight. 
I will be healthy. I will be happy. I will be kind. I will not be broken.
I will stop being deleted, stop censoring myself.
I will write again. Here.